Engage catchup

So, I had myself a little hiatus. Spent time with visiting family, moved house, settled in, got back to work, caught up with the backlog there, said goodbye to my manager, started training the new one in the wonders of technical documentation…. Yeah, it’s been a crazy crazy time.

Things are settling down a bit now. I’ve managed to find enough time to get back to writing this week. I’m sure that you’ll all be glad to know that a new Starwalker post is now up! (I just got done sorting it out and formatting it all.)

I looked at where the story was and decided that three weeks is just too long between posts. I’d like to keep the real-time aspect of it, so I’ve backdated the new post to be where it should have been, if I hadn’t gone on hiatus. My goal is to fill in the missing two posts as I go – I can do about a post every two-three days at the moment, energy permitting, so by the end of next week, I should be roughly up to date. (I’ll probably post them all at once, so don’t hold your breath, but there’ll definitely be at least one going up next Wednesday!)

I’m not sure when I’ll go back to my original schedule of three posts a week. I’d like to stick to once a week for a little while, build up some buffer (oh, how I miss it) and spend some time editing the Apocalypse Blog. I also have another couple of projects I need to find time for.

I’m still getting used to this new schedule and longer days. The CFS is not my friend right now, but I’m sleeping better lately, so hopefully it’ll remain manageable at least. Maybe even improve some. So while I like my return to hour-long commutes on the train, I’m still working up to being having enough energy to fully utilise it. Sometimes, it’s just too necessary to doze all the way home at the end of the day.

I look forward to the time when I can write a post in the morning’s commute, and do something else on the way home.  Edit, rewrite, plan plots. Who knows?

In other lovely news, Kylie Chan is coming to talk to my writing group next month! (Why does everything happen at once?) I’m looking forward to that, and hopefully a good-sized group will turn out for her. Fingers crossed!

Right, back to the grindstone. More catching up to do yet – if anyone is waiting on a response from me about something, I’ll try to get back to you soon!

Change of plan

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past couple of weeks. Things have not been going well for me, and if I’m honest, I’m struggling.

There are a lot of reasons for it. Work is stressful and I’m constantly fighting to keep all the balls in the air there. I’m managing more people, more projects, and tighter deadlines than we’ve had before. I’m still learning what the hell I’m supposed to be doing half the time, and every time I turn around, the goalposts have shifted six inches to the left. We’re doing all right, we’re still on-track, but that’s only because I’m busting my ass trying to make sure that’s where we are. I like clear goals. I like to know what I’m aiming for. I do not like playing catchup, especially not when it’s someone else’s fault.

There are also family-related factors at play that I don’t particularly want to get into. Let’s just say that it’s another source of concern, but not one I can do anything about (which is probably worse) except be there for them. It’s frustrating.

And then, once I’ve dealt with all of that, there’s my writing. I’m falling behind with everything. Organising my writing groups is simple – a couple of emails a month each (I have two groups), turn up and pretend to be competent, and enjoy the company and conversation. Easy, right? At the moment, it’s one more thing that I have to worry about, and the other week I started to seriously consider stopping them. Or at least one of them. But then I go to a meeting and I love it. It’s so worth it. It’s the bits in between, sending out the emails and having it niggling at the back of my head, all ‘don’t forget about this!’ Those are the parts that wear on me.

Starwalker is going really well. I keep meaning to post updates on this blog, but it’s yet another thing that I just don’t get to these days. Last month, SW had over 1,000 visitors. As in, different people, all coming to the site to read it. One thousand. And the feedback I get is amazing. People are talking about it. They’re getting excited about the storylines, and attached to the characters. I feel so lucky when I see that! I look at the stats and the comments and I’m all: “Wow. People like my stuff.” It’s a lot to get my head around!

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever written. I’m going to all these new places with it, juggling and adjusting things as I go to make sure it hangs together, trying to get the physics right enough to be convincing. So far, it’s all working great! I have all of these plans for it, so many avenues still to travel down. It’s exciting, but it’s hard.

I think the difficult parts aren’t entirely down to SW itself. It’s everything else that gets in the way. It’s shifting mental gears whenever I sit down to write, trying to put all the job-related and other stuff aside for long enough to focus. It’s sitting down on the train for twenty minutes at a time and trying to get part of a post down. It’s giving up three evenings a week to pull a post together, edit it into something coherent, and get it posted. And more than anything else, it’s the exhaustion.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome – it is the bane of my life, once again. All of that stuff I’m juggling makes me stressed, and stress makes the CFS worse, and then I get exhausted and that makes it more difficult to deal with the stressful stuff. Fun, huh? It has been bad (and getting worse) for the last couple of months. I keep trying to take some time off, take a break, catch my breath, and that works in tiny portions. Unless it puts me behind with everything (which it usually does), in which case I have to bust my ass to catch up again, and I wind up exactly where I started – exhausted and struggling to keep up.

Last year, I set my sights high. I didn’t do everything I aimed to do, but I did most of it and I came out of it all feeling really good about how it went. This year, I didn’t set myself targets that were anything near as ambitious, I’m not doing everything I aimed to, and I’m still failing. A week ago, I had that thought, the one that says ‘something has to give’. I’ve been here before, looking at myself in a downwards spiral, and unless I change things, I’m not going to get out of it until I hit bottom and have to stop doing everything. That was five years ago, and it was a lot worse than it is now before I realised how close and inevitable that bottom really was. Funnily enough, the key stress- and frustration-factor then was my job, too.

That, sadly, isn’t something I can change. It’ll get better eventually and now is not the time to change jobs. I am in a really good position; the best one I’ve ever been in, professionally. I’m doing well, despite all the crap I’m handling. And more than anything else, I need the stability of that place right now.

And, dammit, I don’t give up on shit easily. It’s probably part of what’s made me so sick – I should have done this a while ago – but having dealt with chronic conditions of one kind or other my whole life, I’m stubborn when it comes to this kind of thing getting in my way. There’s a part of me that suspects I should take a proper break from all the extra things in my life – the writing groups, the blogfic, the novel that’s waiting for me to edit it, the Apocalypse Blog stuff that I promised to do this year. But even as badly as I’m doing right now, I’m not ready to go quite that far. Like I said, I’m stubborn about this kind of thing.

But I have to change something. I need some way to get back on my feet. Right now, I feel like I’m failing at everything, even though it probably doesn’t look like I am. I’m told that it doesn’t show in SW yet – but it will. A post was due up yesterday and I haven’t even started it yet. I’m so exhausted that it’s difficult to think straight enough to write this, let alone slide my brain into Starry and try to step forward with her story.

I’m not going to do yesterday’s post. I’m not going to force it and have it come out half-assed. It’s time to be realistic and cut back. I thought three posts a week would be easy, but when the CFS is this bad, it’s too much. I’ve been tossing around the idea of dropping down to two posts, but I have to be honest with myself – that’s not enough. I’m not going to stop Starwalker – mostly because it will be incredibly difficult to start again if I do that – but I am going to bring it down to one post a week. Take a proper breather in it. Not permanently, but long enough for me to sort the rest of my life out. I’m not sure how long that will be yet.

I don’t know how this will affect the real-time aspect of Starwalker, but I’ll deal with it if and when it becomes a problem. I still love the story and its characters. I’m still excited about sharing it with everyone. Hell, the other day, I was pondering an old storyline I created a few years ago and realised that it would fit into the SW world perfectly. My original planned plot just got extended by another story arc. I am still committed to making this story work and won’t let this CFS screw it up completely.

So there you have it. I’m not giving up, not stopping. But I do need to step back for a while. I’ll aim to post on Wednesdays, I think, because by the end of the week I’m usually so tired I can hardly see straight. I still have to look at the other things in my life and see what I can do about them. I need to fix some non-writing-related factors as well, like the exercise I’m not doing and how often I can’t be bothered to cook. They’re next on my list.  I have some time booked off work coming up, too, and hopefully that will help me get on top of things a bit.

Wish me luck – I think I’m gonna need it – and watch this space!

Flagging

So much for updating this more often! Bah.

Things are crazy right now, and I’m struggling to handle it all.

Work is running up against a deadline and the pressure is on there to get everything done in time. That’s not going to let up until the end of the month at least. Coupled with the work I have to get through, I have to pick up the team leader stuff as I go too.

My desktop fell down and refused to get up again, so I had to go get a new one. That’s left me having to deal with Vista (argh) and incredibly poor this month. I can’t do half the stuff I was hoping to.

NaNoWriMo stuff is picking up again. I’ve been tossing ideas around for it for a while with some friends, and it looks like its going to be a busy November for us MLs. Currently trying to line up what we need to do before it all kicks off.

I’m trying to put together a new project, and that is proving to be more difficult than I had anticipated. Communal writing projects are never easy, and between that and my natural habit of wanting things like this to work, I’ve wound up in charge. On the one hand, it’s good fun – I’m getting some fantastic ideas for it, and the enthusiasm of the group is great. On the other hand, nine people is a lot to coordinate and there are headaches involved with that that are currently dragging me down.

Then I have my writing groups to organise (2), the writing festival next weekend to sort out meetups for, an author’s talk next month to get everything in order for, and an upcoming family reunion.

Then there’s the Apocalypse Blog. I’m struggling with that. With everything else on my plate, the Chronic Fatigue is biting hard. So many things to think about and not lose track of, so much running around in my head. It’s hard to sleep or rest.

It all leaves me with little energy to devote to my beloved blogfic. I’m keeping up and posting every day, but I feel like it’s getting strained. I can’t tell how the posts are coming out half the time. I’m fairly sure that it’s suffering, though, and that frustrates me to no end.

On top of that, the story has just hit one of the big markers and I have to get my head around how to handle it. It’s not always easy after a day full of everything I’ve just listed. My usual commute writing time is short and sometimes non-existent if I can’t get a seat.

So, yeah. I’m flagging. Running on empty right now. I’m gonna have to start making some hard choices if it carries on like this for too long – best to put one ball down before I start dropping several. Problem is, I don’t want to put down any of them.

Before anyone panics, AB is not one I will put down by choice. I’m committed to it, and it’s the only part of everything I’m doing right now that’s just for me. (And my readers, of course.)

Bah. Anyway. I should go get myself together for Father’s Day. Time to go hang out with the folks. Post atcha later.

Moving, shaking, writing

Wow, I haven’t posted here at all yet this month. It’s been a weird week and a half, and I’m sneaking this in on the sly.

I made a snap decision last week. It was because of a lot of things – which I won’t go into – but I think it’s the right decision. It’s time for me to get my own place.

At the moment, I’m sharing with my folks, mostly so that I can save enough money to buy a house. Now is the perfect time to buy, but I don’t have anywhere near enough money to do that. I look at the bills I’ll be facing, and unless I want to live in a shoebox at the arse-end of a grotty apartment building, it’s just too much. And I don’t want to live in a shoebox, or in an apartment building. I’d rather the place wasn’t grotty either, kthx.

Which leaves renting. By far the cheaper option, and it means I can afford a house of the type and size I want, in a reasonable location. It’ll give me much more time to save up for that eventual house that will belong to me. It’s a plan.

I was so wound up that I went a little bit nuts last week, and I got myself a list of places to look at on the weekend. Only one of them was remotely what I wanted – a bit smaller than I’d hoped, but clean and nice, and a little bit kooky. Turned my application in this week, and now I’m waiting for a response. Hopefully I’ll hear by the end of today (looking unlikely now), or tomorrow at the latest.

So I’m a bit caught up in the notion of moving to a new house, filling it with furniture, getting everything set up, and not going crazy in the process. I’m also running on the edges of exhaustion at the moment, which is not helping.

I meant to do some work on the novel on the weekend, but wound up procrastinating and gaming instead. It just seemed like Too Much at the time. Hopefully I’ll get to at least a little bit of it tonight – I’m determined not to let it slide any more. If this moving business takes over my life for the next few weeks, I’ll never get the damn thing done. And I want to get it done. It’s a good story! I think I could sell it, if I can only get it done already.

I am managing to keep up with the Apocalypse Blog posting – thank goodness for my train commute. I’m trying to get my head down this week to cover this weekend’s posts, so that I can go furniture-hunting. Moving shouldn’t interfere with the blogfic too much, as long as it doesn’t take too long to get the internet connection turned on. (I’ll have to wait for the bed before I can move in properly anyway.) I’m going to have to work extra-strictly in the meantime to build up some buffer, just in case.

In other news, I had an interesting meeting with my boss and team leader this afternoon. I can’t say what it was about yet (I have been sworn to secrecy), but it was good news (for me). Things are going to get interesting in some ways, and easier in others. If ever there was a time I needed some good news, now was it!

Also, my Creative Writing Group has its first Author Talk tomorrow. Marriane de Pierres is coming to chat with us! How cool is that? Maybe I should put together some probing questions for her. Or maybe I’ll just go along and make stuff up like I usually do. I’m looking forward to it – hopefully we’ll get a good turnout!

Wish me luck!

Headless chicken

The last couple of weeks have been insane. Between juggling writing groups, parents going away, housesitting, petsitting, houseguests and relatives, working full time, and keeping up with my writing, I’ve been a little bit busy.

On the plus side, I have kept up with the Apocalypse Blog. I’ve had a few bad days, and I have to restrain myself from reading over the published posts to see how much it shows. I don’t think Sax’s last appearance came out the way I wanted it to, though hopefully I captured at least some of the horror and wrongness of the image. I managed not to miss a day, though, and I’m glad of that.

I also managed to get the guest posting stuff sorted out. The first one goes up tonight! Big fat tick for me (and my guest poster!).

I feel like time is slipping by me at a fantastic rate. It doesn’t help that I’m exhausted and sluggish (the hectic pace of the past week or two is catching up with me at the moment – I feel as if I’ve been hit by a big, sleepy truck). I haven’t touched my novel in months now (it makes me so sad to realise that it has actually been months), my short story is no closer to being finished, and the Writing Tips post/s on dialogue still haven’t been written.

Gah. On the one hand, I feel like AB is sucking up all my writing time and making it difficult (not impossible! just difficult) to write anything else consistently. On the other hand, I suspect that AB is the only reason that I write anything regularly. I’m afraid that if I let myself miss a day, I’ll be giving myself permission to skip a day every now and then, and my writing and posting frequency will whittle itself down amid excuses and procrastination. That’s part of the reason why I started the damn thing in the first place. I suspect that a post a day was setting the bar too high, but I’m too stubborn to back down from it now. Nearly five months in and I haven’t missed a day – I can do eight more like that! Definitely.

I still love AB. I’m still looking forward to some of the stuff that I know is coming (I have only done a fraction of the plot-point notecards on my board). I can’t wait to see what guest posts I have come in – I have had two more expressions of interest in it, and I have my fingers crossed for more. Plus, now there are zombies.

Yesterday, my very good friend and ex-housemate pointed me at a handy podcast – Writing Excuses. Weekly podcasts about writing that are hilarious but also very useful and practical. Check it out! I’m listening to it while I work, and it’s awesome. And it’s making me want to write, which is fantastic – just what I need right now. If only I had the energy! Bah.

Skipping the tech writer’s meeting tonight because I’m too tired. Have my writing group on Friday night – I still need to plan that meeting. But tonight is for curling up on the couch and staring at the TV until I am tired enough to sleep. Mmm, that sounds like a good plan.

Best laid plans

My Creative Writing Group met on Friday night. Due to Easter and a general desire not to spam emails at the least provocation, I didn’t send out a reminder email the weekend before it. This is, apparently, a bad idea, as I only had a handful of people come to the meeting. I suspect the rest were either caught up in family stuff (it was the school holidays), or had simply forgotten. Oh well! I know better for next time.

On the plus side, I had a new member join the group, and we all had a lively and informative discussion. I had prepared all kinds of notes about dialogue, an issue that has cropped up a lot of late in various writing circles, and one that I find writers often ask about or struggle with. I’m planning to write all those notes up for my next Writing Tips post (probably the next several!), hopefully some time over the next week.

I had a lot I wanted to do this weekend, but I didn’t get to most of it. This was mostly due to the awful, short sleep I got on Saturday night, which led to a very lethargic and resting Sunday. Rather than force myself to write, I gave myself the day off to recuperate. By Monday morning, I was feeling much better, but I still wish I had got done some of what I had planned.

So my short story hasn’t been written yet, and I am not ahead on the Apocalypse Blog posts the way I want to be. I have been posting very hand-to-mouth over the weekend, and I think the posts are a bit rougher than usual because of that.

Exhaustion is making it difficult to write as well as I would like. I tried to do today’s post on the train this morning, and wound up closing the notebook after one sentence so that I could nap instead. I will have to be strict with myself to get as much done as possible over the next few days, as next week is looking like it will be something of a nightmare.

My parents are heading off to the UK for three weeks to visit my brother and the grandson they haven’t seen yet. So I now have the house to look after, three demanding cats, and a houseguest to cook for. The three hours I have when I get home from work will shrink alarmingly, I think. Thank goodness I already do the bulk of my writing on the train; here’s hoping that I am not too tired to accomplish that.

On the plus side, the blog is going well and still hitting 80+ visits per day. I’m constantly battling the plot pace, trying to keep myself from rushing things, but without dawdling either. I’m not sure I always hit it right. At least now they have the scooters, Faith and her friends will be zipping around a lot faster than before, though that presents its own problems. Luckily, I have some other obstacles to throw in their way to slow them down from time to time.

I managed to get around to updating the Chronology page the other day, so it’s up-to-date with the current goings-on. I want to expand the information on the Cast page a bit too – that’s a job for later in the week, I think. Sometimes, it’s nice to focus on the background stuff as a break from the posts, especially when my brain is feeling less creative.

I’m also thinking about throwing AB open for guest posts soon. Faith isn’t telling only her own story – she’s telling all of the stories she comes across. I need to give some thought to how that will work and then throw up an info page on the blog.

How do I always have such a long list of things to do? Oh well, best get to it!