Fiction snippet: Confession
I was reading an interesting post about different methods of writing by Juliet Marillier earlier today (well worth checking out!). I appreciate authors who realise that ‘one size doesn’t fit all’ when it comes to approaching writing.
It got me to thinking about sitting down to start writing a piece. It’s the enemy of every writer: staring at a lot of blank white space, teetering on the edge of fiction, trying to find that perfect way to begin. I’ve been sitting in that position more times than I like to think! Pretty much every time I set out to start a blogfic post. I’ve got my own ways of getting past that.
As occasionally happens, pondering the situation sparked an idea in my head, and I managed to scribble it down (can you ‘scribble’ when you type? I typed it down. But quickly, between chunks of work, in a tiny Notepad window no-one saw).
I had intended it to be just a tiny snippet, maybe another of those two-sentence stories that I like to play with sometimes. It didn’t want to stay to only two sentences. It splurged (a little) and I let it, and here’s what came out:
Confession
A clean white sheet is spread before me, unsullied by human emotion, desire, or blood. I must mark it, stain it, spill myself onto its surface. I must treat it with respect, ease the sheet into its scarring, and hope for forgiveness when I am done.
The start is always the hardest part: the first puncture in the dam, the first perforation to tear loose. I must find the perfect place to sink the hook, so that it it rips and spills into the correct shape. After that, it will run and run until it reaches its coughing, spluttering finale.
Never mind all that. Start with truth, a deep breath and bravery. The rest will follow, as inevitable as its own end.
“Today, I killed a man….”
I think this month’s task for my writing group will be to start a story with those (last) five words.
Must not get distracted with ideas. I have Starwalker to write (which is coming along swimmingly!). But at least I got this bit out!
Stumbling in
Last night’s writing group was great fun. Thanks to footie and traffic, everything ran a bit late and we didn’t get a huge turnout. There was enough of us for a good discussion, though, and it was wonderful to have Kylie Chan’s advice and insight into being published. I’ll aim to post more about that soon.
I wound up getting home so late that I didn’t have time to sort out my Starwalker post. It’s all written and edited! I just need to get it uploaded and formatted, and post it. The formatting takes attention and time, and I’ll sort that out as soon as I get home tonight. Sorry everyone – it’s on its way, I promise!
Falling into step
Things are starting to settle down a bit here. I have my apartment-type area set up and have settled in. The kittens are getting used to the new digs, even nervous little Jasmine. It’s feeling like home again.
Work is quietening down too. Old manager gone, new manager picking up the reins. I run the team anyway, so the biggest change is who I have to talk to about stuff. The new manager is receptive and friendly, so no problems there so far. I’m currently on a training course, learning the other monstrous side to the software my team has to document. My brain is filling up.
I haven’t caught up with Starwalker as quickly or thoroughly as I had hoped. It’s taking me longer to get used to the commute than I had anticipated – I’ve spent at least half of my commutes dozing due to exhaustion lately. I’m doing better this week, and feeling able to do more and more writing, so I know I’ll get there.
On the plus side, I’m keeping up with Starwalker and am excited about the story even after the break. I’m at an awkward part of the story, coming up to a peak in the plot that requires some logistical wriggling. It might help if I had planned all this stuff out from the beginning, but hell, until recently, I wasn’t even sure who the saboteur was. It’s fun writing it this way, though I’m paranoid I’ll write myself into a corner. I plan to keep going as I am until it breaks, though – it’s working for now, so why not?
With luck, I’ll be able to catch up to the realtime posting dates soon. I have to restrain myself from doing interim posts in the meantime (it’s possible I will fail at this – there’s a post that wants to be written that won’t wait a week from the previous one).
It’s a relief to feel like I’m finally getting on top of things. To feel honestly enthused about something without out the weight of everything else resting on me.
I have my writing group tonight, with a guest talk by the lovely and talented Kylie Chan – I hope I get a good turnout for her. We won’t be getting into our new meeting-place until September, so things are a little weird until then.
That’s about it for my update today. Better get back to work!
Engage catchup
So, I had myself a little hiatus. Spent time with visiting family, moved house, settled in, got back to work, caught up with the backlog there, said goodbye to my manager, started training the new one in the wonders of technical documentation…. Yeah, it’s been a crazy crazy time.
Things are settling down a bit now. I’ve managed to find enough time to get back to writing this week. I’m sure that you’ll all be glad to know that a new Starwalker post is now up! (I just got done sorting it out and formatting it all.)
I looked at where the story was and decided that three weeks is just too long between posts. I’d like to keep the real-time aspect of it, so I’ve backdated the new post to be where it should have been, if I hadn’t gone on hiatus. My goal is to fill in the missing two posts as I go – I can do about a post every two-three days at the moment, energy permitting, so by the end of next week, I should be roughly up to date. (I’ll probably post them all at once, so don’t hold your breath, but there’ll definitely be at least one going up next Wednesday!)
I’m not sure when I’ll go back to my original schedule of three posts a week. I’d like to stick to once a week for a little while, build up some buffer (oh, how I miss it) and spend some time editing the Apocalypse Blog. I also have another couple of projects I need to find time for.
I’m still getting used to this new schedule and longer days. The CFS is not my friend right now, but I’m sleeping better lately, so hopefully it’ll remain manageable at least. Maybe even improve some. So while I like my return to hour-long commutes on the train, I’m still working up to being having enough energy to fully utilise it. Sometimes, it’s just too necessary to doze all the way home at the end of the day.
I look forward to the time when I can write a post in the morning’s commute, and do something else on the way home. Edit, rewrite, plan plots. Who knows?
In other lovely news, Kylie Chan is coming to talk to my writing group next month! (Why does everything happen at once?) I’m looking forward to that, and hopefully a good-sized group will turn out for her. Fingers crossed!
Right, back to the grindstone. More catching up to do yet – if anyone is waiting on a response from me about something, I’ll try to get back to you soon!
Hiatus
Since my last post, things have slid further into chaos. Not all in a bad way, but definitely in ways that make everything more complicated!
First, I got sick. The bug going around work decided to bite me, in a low-grade miserable way that dragged at me for 2-3 weeks. Lovely.
Then, things with my family came to a head and I decided not to renew the lease on my house. Instead, I am going to move out and shift in with my folks, taking over the bottom floor of their house. This will let me help them out and avoid some more serious problems down the track.
When I made that decision, I had three weeks to sort everything out. One week of that is taken up by my brother’s visit (he’s around the world for my dad’s birthday), so I really only had two weeks to sort the move out.
Then at work, my manager announced that he’s leaving. One week after my move finishes, he’s off. The best manager I’ve ever worked under is leaving, and we don’t know what’s going to happen after he’s gone. The department will be restructured and we have no-one to voice our needs for us at management level. I think I’m going to have to become more vocal.
Oh, and we have some redundancies coming through, too. I heard just today that my team is safe, but for the last couple of weeks, it has been a worry.
On top of that, there has been getting the new teammember settled into her work, and preparing everything for my couple of weeks off to be with my brother and then move house. We have a big release coming up just after I get back from my leave and there’s lots to sort out to make sure that that happens, too.
Just when I thought nothing else could go wrong, the bookstore where I hold my writing group emailed me to tell me that they’re not opening late any more. So now I have to find somewhere else to hold my writing group every month. Before the next meeting. Aaaaah.
That has been the past couple of weeks for me. The good news is that everything seems to be going to plan so far. The move is all lined up – everything is booked and ready. Currently giving my brother a whistle-stop tour of the area and doing lots of family stuff. Work doesn’t appear to have imploded in my absense yet.
I am bone tired. I slept most of today in the car as we drove around between pretty sights, and I’m still exhausted. I can’t remember the last time I just stopped and rested. I am looking forward to getting rid of this house and settled into my new rooms downstairs, and then sleeping for about a week.
The upshot of all this is that there’s no room for writing. I could probably squeeze in some time to throw something together, but my head is so full of everything that’s going on that there’s no room for writing. I don’t want to sacrifice the quality or story of Starwalker any more than I already have thanks to all of these distractions, so it’s time for a break.
This is why I’m taking a short hiatus. Just for a couple of weeks, enough time to get me past this visit and moving house and caught up with all of my other responsibilities. I’m going to be pretty absent from everything for the duration. I should be back up and running by the end of the month, and will update again once I have a clearer idea of how all this stuff is turning out.
Thanks to all of your for your patience. On the plus side, once I’m moved I’ll have my one-hour commute on the train each way, and will have plenty of time for writing! Or sleeping. We shall see!
Catch you all on the flip-side.
Change of plan
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past couple of weeks. Things have not been going well for me, and if I’m honest, I’m struggling.
There are a lot of reasons for it. Work is stressful and I’m constantly fighting to keep all the balls in the air there. I’m managing more people, more projects, and tighter deadlines than we’ve had before. I’m still learning what the hell I’m supposed to be doing half the time, and every time I turn around, the goalposts have shifted six inches to the left. We’re doing all right, we’re still on-track, but that’s only because I’m busting my ass trying to make sure that’s where we are. I like clear goals. I like to know what I’m aiming for. I do not like playing catchup, especially not when it’s someone else’s fault.
There are also family-related factors at play that I don’t particularly want to get into. Let’s just say that it’s another source of concern, but not one I can do anything about (which is probably worse) except be there for them. It’s frustrating.
And then, once I’ve dealt with all of that, there’s my writing. I’m falling behind with everything. Organising my writing groups is simple – a couple of emails a month each (I have two groups), turn up and pretend to be competent, and enjoy the company and conversation. Easy, right? At the moment, it’s one more thing that I have to worry about, and the other week I started to seriously consider stopping them. Or at least one of them. But then I go to a meeting and I love it. It’s so worth it. It’s the bits in between, sending out the emails and having it niggling at the back of my head, all ‘don’t forget about this!’ Those are the parts that wear on me.
Starwalker is going really well. I keep meaning to post updates on this blog, but it’s yet another thing that I just don’t get to these days. Last month, SW had over 1,000 visitors. As in, different people, all coming to the site to read it. One thousand. And the feedback I get is amazing. People are talking about it. They’re getting excited about the storylines, and attached to the characters. I feel so lucky when I see that! I look at the stats and the comments and I’m all: “Wow. People like my stuff.” It’s a lot to get my head around!
It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever written. I’m going to all these new places with it, juggling and adjusting things as I go to make sure it hangs together, trying to get the physics right enough to be convincing. So far, it’s all working great! I have all of these plans for it, so many avenues still to travel down. It’s exciting, but it’s hard.
I think the difficult parts aren’t entirely down to SW itself. It’s everything else that gets in the way. It’s shifting mental gears whenever I sit down to write, trying to put all the job-related and other stuff aside for long enough to focus. It’s sitting down on the train for twenty minutes at a time and trying to get part of a post down. It’s giving up three evenings a week to pull a post together, edit it into something coherent, and get it posted. And more than anything else, it’s the exhaustion.
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome – it is the bane of my life, once again. All of that stuff I’m juggling makes me stressed, and stress makes the CFS worse, and then I get exhausted and that makes it more difficult to deal with the stressful stuff. Fun, huh? It has been bad (and getting worse) for the last couple of months. I keep trying to take some time off, take a break, catch my breath, and that works in tiny portions. Unless it puts me behind with everything (which it usually does), in which case I have to bust my ass to catch up again, and I wind up exactly where I started – exhausted and struggling to keep up.
Last year, I set my sights high. I didn’t do everything I aimed to do, but I did most of it and I came out of it all feeling really good about how it went. This year, I didn’t set myself targets that were anything near as ambitious, I’m not doing everything I aimed to, and I’m still failing. A week ago, I had that thought, the one that says ‘something has to give’. I’ve been here before, looking at myself in a downwards spiral, and unless I change things, I’m not going to get out of it until I hit bottom and have to stop doing everything. That was five years ago, and it was a lot worse than it is now before I realised how close and inevitable that bottom really was. Funnily enough, the key stress- and frustration-factor then was my job, too.
That, sadly, isn’t something I can change. It’ll get better eventually and now is not the time to change jobs. I am in a really good position; the best one I’ve ever been in, professionally. I’m doing well, despite all the crap I’m handling. And more than anything else, I need the stability of that place right now.
And, dammit, I don’t give up on shit easily. It’s probably part of what’s made me so sick – I should have done this a while ago – but having dealt with chronic conditions of one kind or other my whole life, I’m stubborn when it comes to this kind of thing getting in my way. There’s a part of me that suspects I should take a proper break from all the extra things in my life – the writing groups, the blogfic, the novel that’s waiting for me to edit it, the Apocalypse Blog stuff that I promised to do this year. But even as badly as I’m doing right now, I’m not ready to go quite that far. Like I said, I’m stubborn about this kind of thing.
But I have to change something. I need some way to get back on my feet. Right now, I feel like I’m failing at everything, even though it probably doesn’t look like I am. I’m told that it doesn’t show in SW yet – but it will. A post was due up yesterday and I haven’t even started it yet. I’m so exhausted that it’s difficult to think straight enough to write this, let alone slide my brain into Starry and try to step forward with her story.
I’m not going to do yesterday’s post. I’m not going to force it and have it come out half-assed. It’s time to be realistic and cut back. I thought three posts a week would be easy, but when the CFS is this bad, it’s too much. I’ve been tossing around the idea of dropping down to two posts, but I have to be honest with myself – that’s not enough. I’m not going to stop Starwalker – mostly because it will be incredibly difficult to start again if I do that – but I am going to bring it down to one post a week. Take a proper breather in it. Not permanently, but long enough for me to sort the rest of my life out. I’m not sure how long that will be yet.
I don’t know how this will affect the real-time aspect of Starwalker, but I’ll deal with it if and when it becomes a problem. I still love the story and its characters. I’m still excited about sharing it with everyone. Hell, the other day, I was pondering an old storyline I created a few years ago and realised that it would fit into the SW world perfectly. My original planned plot just got extended by another story arc. I am still committed to making this story work and won’t let this CFS screw it up completely.
So there you have it. I’m not giving up, not stopping. But I do need to step back for a while. I’ll aim to post on Wednesdays, I think, because by the end of the week I’m usually so tired I can hardly see straight. I still have to look at the other things in my life and see what I can do about them. I need to fix some non-writing-related factors as well, like the exercise I’m not doing and how often I can’t be bothered to cook. They’re next on my list. I have some time booked off work coming up, too, and hopefully that will help me get on top of things a bit.
Wish me luck – I think I’m gonna need it – and watch this space!
Post delayed
Hello everyone!
So sorry to do this again, but I’m not going to get Starwalker’s post up today. I’ve been run off my mental feet this week and have been running behind. My lovely writing group met tonight, and while the post is mostly written, I’m not going to get it finished tonight. Never mind getting it edited and readable.
In the interests of not sucking, I’m going to delay the post until tomorrow. It should go up about lunchtime (Australian time)! Please forgive me, and I shall work on more awesome stuff for you all.
In the meantime… wow, my cat has some impressive projectile vomiting. Gotta go!
Reader’s forum open!
Due to popular demand (okay, about two people said they wanted this), I have set up a reader’s forum for my work. It’s fairly boney at the moment, but I’ll be trying to fill out config and posts over the next few days, work- and life-permitting.
This forum is a place for readers to discuss the Apocalypse Blog and Starwalker – feel free to go and speculate, give feedback, etc. There are also places to discuss writing and other fiction you all enjoy.
I’m also planning to run polls and offer extras on the stories there. First Starwalker one is coming soon!
So, go sign up, introduce yourself, and get chatting!
Guest post: Savannah, take 2
Back in December, my lovely friend let me play in her sandbox. I created Savannah, the candy-coloured hooker who likes to run at the mouth, in a guest post. Great fun to write, definitely something different from the stuff I was writing at the time (and now, as it happens).
Now, three months on, the story of the Inventor was in need of a spark of trouble, and so we brought the lovely Savannah back. Clover slid her into a tumultuous post, and then I got to write the hooker stumbling all over the aftermath.
It was tough to fit it in between the Starwalker writing, but definitely worth it. Sometimes it’s nice to break out and do something different. And who knows, maybe Savannah will come back later in the story and not screw things up for the poor main character. At least one of them deserves a break!
Post delayed
I hate doing this, but it was an exhaustion-filled, vague weekend, and today has been crazy with work and my writing group. I have a post partially written, I don’t know if I like what I have, and I’ll be up until the small hours if I attempt to finish it now. In an attempt to sleep tonight, I am opting to postpone today’s instalment of Starwalker.
This is a first for me. I made it all the way through the Apocalypse Blog without missing/skipping/delaying a post, but Starwalker is proving to be a lot harder. There are various reasons for that, which I’ll no doubt blather on about in another post, but consider me unhappy with this state of affairs. Unhappy and determined not to repeat it.
I will aim to get the post up tomorrow. Then, with luck, Wednesday’s post will be on time. My apologies, everyone! I thank you all for your patience.